I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
