chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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