I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
