R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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