you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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