I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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