we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
