How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
