Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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