My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize