I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
