Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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