I think I died a long time ago.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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