My liver just broke up with me...
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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