I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
