I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
