I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
