you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
