Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
