oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
