I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
