Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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