Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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