He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
