I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
