i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
