chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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