winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
