Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize