he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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