My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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