And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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