mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He shit in the fireplace
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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