i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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