If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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