I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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