I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
