We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
