i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
