all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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