some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
