Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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