I can tuck mytits in my pants
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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