My room smells like vodka and shame
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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