are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
