I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
