Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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