Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
