my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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