He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
