I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
