she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Semen is not good for contacts.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
