I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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