I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
