also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
