id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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