i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
