Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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